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Sometimes I encounter a customer so hapless I can only laugh. These are all true stories.
Customer spelled his own last name two different ways. Gave the wrong city in his address. Gave the wrong phone number. Title of book ordered: The Story of Stupidity.
Customer ordered a book, received it, returned it and said it was "the wrong book." This customer had all the following initials after his name, which he put on his order form: M.S., Ph.D., M.P.H., M.A., M.S.B.S. The book he ordered by mistake: Scientific Blunders: A Brief History of How Wrong Scientists Can Sometimes Be.
Customer emailed to ask about a book. "What is the isbn? Is it a 1st edition? Is it out of print?" and so on. After receiving my replies, customer emailed again to ask, "Can I get it in the next 2 days?" but still did not give any hint of their location.
This has happened too many times for me not to include it here. Customer asks for a complete list of the songs in a certain songbook. (I have several hundred used songbooks in my inventory.) I carefully type the title of each song into the email and send it back. Customer responds with a new question: does it have this song? That's right, they really only wanted one song, but they made me list every darn song in the book instead of asking about that one song!
This has also happened more than once. Customer orders a book and has it shipped by Media Mail. I send my customary confirmation email. The next day the customer responds to say he wanted it faster and why didn't I use Bookrate instead? (Fun fact: Bookrate and Media Mail are the same thing.)
Customer emailed regarding an item I had listed, an old Ford Motor Company Wagons Catalog. Customer asked: "I'm looking for parts for a 1972 clubwagon. A power steering hose that leads to the piston. Does this catalog have parts you can order?"
Customer asked several detailed questions about an uncommon used book I had for sale. "Are all the pages present? Does it have all five appendixes?" and so on. Finally he placed the order. His credit card was declined. The book? How to Rob Banks Legally.
Via Amazon, customer ordered a used book published in 1975 on the origins and meanings of names. After the book arrived he left a feedback score of 3 out of 5. The reason for his displeasure? "Old book."
Customer complained: "The softcover received is exceedingly poor in contents. All Greek words referenced are printed in gobbledygook nonsense characters and hence unreadable."
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Some more true stories from my fellow booksellers.
Customer wrote to say, "So far I have not received the book. I guess it is still within 14 day window. But it ranks as one of the slower shipments from an Amazon bookseller. I bought a book last Thursday night that was shipped on Friday. I got the book on Tuesday from Florida." Oh, by the way, the book he ordered was Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life. I hope it helps.
Customer in India, ordered the book to be sent from the US by Economy Rate Shipping (via the slow boat, known to take from 1 to 3 months or longer). After seven days, he emailed anxiously: "I ordered my book on 9/7. When is my book due to arrive?????????" Title ordered: Behavior Modification: What It Is and How to Do It. Think he needs that book?
Customer on Amazon, left 2 out of 5 feedback for the dealer, saying, "My order was for a hard cover I received a soft cover." The dealer replied: "You may still return an item for any reason to [address deleted]. This buyer did neither, and wants both the book and the refund. It is somewhat entertaining, as the book's subject is 'forgiveness.'"
Book returned by customer. Book description: "Gift inscription half-title page else very good." Return reason: "Book is written in."
From the chief of sales at a music publishing company: "I had a customer once who wanted some flute parts, but wasn't sure to what. So she suggested that I read off our entire catalog one at a time for her to then decide if she wanted that title or not. I was flabbergasted and responded that we had over 10,000 titles."
One of my fellow dealers joked: "We are thinking about putting in a link to Literacy Volunteers for those people who seem to be unable to read our data entries. The latest example is 'a 1/2" x 2" light brown stain on the front free endpaper.' The question is, 'How large is the stain?'"
I had a field guide to butterflies returned because the customer complained the pictures were too small. Only problem, all the butterflies were pictured life-size.
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Nominated for Craziest Customer of 2009
On June 12, customer emailed to ask about a book: "Are you able to send a picture of the book? If not, are you able to describe the picture on the jacket cover? Also, is there any fading of the book jacket or pieces missing? Are the book/ page edges clean and pages clean and crisp with no writing?"
I answered the questions even though my description of the book was accurate complete and listed all the flaws, which were small. I also said that I guarantee 100% satisfaction in case there is any problem, etc.
On June 14, customer emailed again. "Are the pages of the book crisp? how long is the tear? estimated shipping time to [place]?"
Ack! I got the book off the shelf again, examined it again, sent full answers again.
On June 18, customer again asked: "Just want to confirm that the tear is closed and not gaping open. Does the book come with a Mylar cover? Also, what materials are the books shipped in?"
Before I replied, customer emailed again, same day: "Forgot to ask if there was a reminder mark?"
I sent another reply, which was followed another email from the customer, asking more of the same kinds of questions. This time I did not keep track of the questions and did not reply, assuming customer would not bother to read my message anyway and would never actually order the book.
On June 25, customer whined, "I have not yet received a response."
I replied, reminding customer that I had already answered their questions twice and that the book is in great shape and that every defect is detailed in the description and that I still offer 100% satisfaction.
On June 26, customed emailed again and asked more of the same questions.
Silently screaming, I replied with an apology and said I did not have any more time to devote to the customer.
The item? A $6 cookbook.
(My full description: Near Fine in Very Good jacket. Gray cloth, info on Chinese culture and food, about 200 recipes, of which one fourth are 'advanced' and require extra preparation or special ingredients. No defects to book. Jacket has small closed tear to crown, light edgewear.)
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